This Is The Age...

Hello again dear Metal Santa readers! Have you intentionally sought out and listened to one of the best doom metal bands ever lately? My divine powers tell me that very few of you have. In order to prevent you all from being eaten alive by the Demon of the False, I’m here to either ignite the flame for the newcomers, or to reignite it for those who have fallen off the path. And which path is that, you may ask? Why, it’s the path that leads down dark and twisted corridors towards the unholy shrine… the shrine that contains the Pagan Altar.

In the 1980s, Pagan Altar was akin to a Pokémon that is both legendary AND shiny. Forming in 1976, the band’s only release for its 22 years of existence was a self-produced cassette tape. Without any record label distributing or promoting it, copies were exceedingly rare, sparking an underground demand for bootleg versions. Finally, in 1998, Oracle Records officially released the record under the title of Volume 1.

Keep that in mind while you listen to The Black Mass. It’s a metal miracle that we all can even listen to something that had such an obscure and limited release. It’s even more astonishing that the music with such an interesting back-story turned out to be one of the greatest doom albums ever released.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out that one of my favorite metal lines ever is contained in this song:

The ravens of night have flown away to set Valhalla aflame.

The line isn’t sung in any special way, but the mental imagery of ravens burning the Nordic paradise is about as metal as it gets.

Pagan Altar will be performing at 2013’s edition of Maryland Death Fest. The Metal Santa hopes to see some of you there!

No False Metal

            “And the battle rages on, for the true must keep the spirit alive.”

The opening narration of Skull Fist’s “No False Metal” says it all. This track is a four and a half minute celebration of true metal, rejoicing in its excellence while condemning the posers who are trying in vein to gain entrance into the hall. While it may come across as too elitist to some, in my circle it’s a glorious battle cry that reflects our feelings towards the genre. Which is to say, the lyrics of this song are definitely targeted towards a very narrow group of fans… the truest of the true, those who would not forsake metal for all the riches in the world.

Skull Fist’s talent is evident just from this one track. Proudly wearing the badges of honor that are long hair and battle jackets, Skull Fist perfectly captures that sense of fun youthful rebellion through kid-like vocals and blistering traditional metal guitar playing. They balance technicality and song structure as well as any band I’ve heard, and while they only have one full-length album out so far (2011’s Head of the Pack), all of the members display considerable musical talent, making this band one to keep track of in the coming years.

Already the band’s stage presence is somewhat of a metal legend. Check out the solo in this video:

Yeah, that is decidedly awesome.

Remember well my friends to fly the metal banner high this week, always vigilant in keeping the spirit of the false at bay! For there is so much excellent music out there that wasting time on the mediocre would be a true shame.

I'm The Witchfinder General

Release date: 1982

Label: Heavy Metal Records

What do all of the drugs, leaving a lady in the middle of the night, and dragging corpses into hell have in common? They all probably describe a typical weekend for the surlier readers of this site, which is why I’m going to share an album that can be your jam the next time you are being an awful womanizer while sipping “mushroom tea”.  Always keeping with the times, here is my review for Witchfinder General’s 1982 masterpiece, Death Penalty.

Witchfinder General only dropped two albums in the 80s, before going on a quarter-century hiatus before their most recent release, which arrived in 2008. I can only assume that the Deity of Lyrics felt the weight of duty with this group, and had to punish them for their transgressions for a very long time. While the lyrics range from acceptable to laughably bad, the rest of the albums is distilled metal excellence.  A fine cross between New Wave of British Heavy Metal and Doom, Witchfinder’s first record contains some of the best riffs found in metal. Early Sabbath influences can definitely be felt, but the band’s sound is very unique to them. This is helped in part by the vocalist, though that’s not necessarily a good thing. The vocals aren’t as bad as the words themselves, but are still one of the weaker parts of the album. The vast majority of the time the singer’s voice is merely average, but every so often a shrill, piercing squeal will emerge from the vocalist’s throat. The resulting sound is akin to piercing an ear canal with one of the band’s filthy infected drug needles, except more unpleasant. Fortunately the totality of these occurrences take up roughly five seconds or less of the album.

Death Penalty is only 30 minutes long, making it a superior alternative to most other half-hour activities, such as gargling toothpaste for a cleaner esophagus. It’s lean and mighty all the way through, offering seven worthwhile tracks instead of having a bloated affair chalked with pointless filler. I always prefer this philosophy, since wasting my time with awful music is the proud and wonderfully handled job of the radio.

Death Penalty’s opener, “Invisible Hate”, sets the pace for the entire record. Containing excellent guitar work and goofy lyrics, a listener can know what to expect from the coming six tracks after listening to the first one.

My favorite song on the album though is the title track, “Death Penalty”:

That riff is a perfect representation of traditional metal, and the alternation between aggression and a slower, calmer pace gives the song a simple yet effective duality.

“Free Country” is one of the best songs on the album, and is the one about doing the aforementioned all of the drugs.

Look out for me

Let’s trip on L.S.D.

Look out for me

I certainly hope the band never thought they were supposed to sound boss or intimidating with this line, because in reality it sounds like a desperate plea for a trip sitter to watch over them and make sure they don’t accidentally lick asbestos because they think the walls of their homes are lined with cotton candy.

A typical bedtime snack for Witchfinder General

Rocky’s gold, leb is red

Black goes right to my head

Mushroom tea, a toke of weed

Amphetamine is real good speed

Look out for me

Come have some mushroom tea

Look out for me

Witchfinder General goes way overboard with their substance abuse, even for rock star lifestyle standards. At least they are offering to share their special tea. But I wouldn’t recommend any ladies take them up on that offer, unless they want to become permanently jaded towards drug-addled musicians. Two songs later, in “No Stayer”, Witchfinder lays out its philosophy on being a good person when it comes to the opposite sex.

Next morning, do you know what she said?

She said “Will you be my guy?”

I just got dressed and walked away

I said “Now girl, I don’t stay.”

No stayer on a Saturday night

Never have been, never will be

No stayer ‘cos it’s Saturday night tonight

At least the group clarifies in that final line that they don’t stay BECAUSE it’s a Saturday night, and not for some silly reason like the day of the week being Monday or something equally as absurd.

Despite my inability to see the lyrical content in any way that garners artistic merit, this is an essential album for anyone who wants a complete picture of the metal pantheon. I’ll still be listening to this album 30 generations from now, and that’s more than enough of a reason to send this album’s soul up to my List of Metal Glory.

Score: The War of 1812/The Invisible Hand Doctrine